Late Have I Loved: Why I am Entering the Catholic Church at 43

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl00MD2QbKA

If you had told me a few years ago that I would be preparing for a Catholic baptism at 43 years old, I probably would have laughed at you.

I spent almost my entire life as an agnostic. I didn't see a place for religion in my life, and honestly, I didn't want one. Yet… here I am. Next year, I am entering the Catholic Church. And today, I want to talk about why.

Growing Up Without God

To understand how I got to this point, you have to know where I started. I didn't slowly fall away from the church. I was never anywhere near it. I come from a firmly atheist family. Growing up, there was no church on Sundays, no religion classes... God simply wasn't a conversation in my house.

As I got into my teen years, I proudly called myself an atheist. I was actively and strongly opposed to religion, especially Christianity. If I'm being completely honest, back then, I thought it was stupid. I looked at faith as an illogical crutch.

But as I got older, and especially after I got married in 2008, that hardline anger started to fade. I stopped calling myself an atheist and shifted to being an agnostic. To me, it was the exact same thing, just a bit more logical. I couldn't definitively prove God didn't exist, so I just lived my life as if He didn't matter.

But during all of those years, there was a heavy shadow over my life. I was drinking. A lot.

A Plea in the Dark

Alcohol became a heavy constant. The thing about relying purely on logic and self-sufficiency is that when you find yourself trapped by something like alcohol, logic can't pull you out.

By late 2020, I woke up one morning in a terrible state. I had tried to quit multiple times and always failed. I was exhausted. So, I burst into heavy tears. And in that desperation, this logical, lifelong agnostic sent a plea into the dark. I asked God:

"Please help me stop. I need help. I can’t do this by myself."

In that moment, I experienced something strange. I 'heard' or felt a very clear sense that I would get better. And I did. I didn't drink that day. I started going to a local church just to sit quietly. I listened to Christian music. And I haven't had a drop of alcohol since the end of 2020.

Winning on Paper, Losing the Peace

You would think that would be the moment I became a Christian. But it wasn't. As my life stabilized, the urgency faded. I stopped going to church. I was just happy I wasn't drinking, and I went back to being an agnostic.

My life looked great on paper. I fixed my relationship with my wife and kids, we bought a house, and my finances improved. I had won. I had fixed my life.

But by the middle of 2025, I was hit with this profound, unexplainable emptiness. I couldn't sleep. The regret over the years I lost to alcohol came flooding back. I became obsessed with thoughts of death. I developed terrible anxiety. I tried meditation, nature walks, and psychology. Nothing worked. The emptiness was agonizing.

Science, Surrender, and The Lord's Prayer

Then, one day, I was listening to a podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman. A neuroscientist, and a man of deep logic and science. Defying my expectations of the secular scientific world, he casually mentioned that prayer helped him.

I was shocked. But my thought process was: if a man of science like Huberman can pray... let me try. What if that tiny prayer I whispered back in 2020 was what actually saved me?

I didn't even know how to pray. So, I learned the Lord's Prayer. I said it in the middle of the night when the insomnia hit. I started thanking God for what I had, apologizing for the bad things I had done, and just... asking for help again.

I know in our modern, secular world, this sounds hard to believe. But the relief was almost immediate. Life didn't just get better; it felt changed. Slowly, over these last couple of months, I have found a peace and tranquility that I have never, ever experienced in my life.

Called Home

That peace finally got me to stop wandering. It made me realize that I wasn't just fixing myself; I was being called home.

Recently, I officially filled out my OCIA form - the Order of Christian Initiation of Adults. I start my formal classes this September, and next year, at 44 years old, I will be baptized.

I decided to start this website and my YouTube channel because I know there are other people in their 30s, 40s, and beyond who are dealing with that same emptiness, and asking the same deep questions. Whether you are a fellow convert, an agnostic searching for truth, or just curious about how a guy like me ends up in the Catholic Church, you are very welcome here.

If this resonates with you, please consider subscribing to my email newsletter below, or hop over to YouTube and subscribe to the Late Have I Loved channel. I would also love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments below where you are on your own journey.

God bless.